The Land of No Fear
Several years ago I crawled through adverse circumstances that not only drove me to my knees, but also to fasting for breakthrough concerning what infiltrated my existence. I sensed God asking me about fears I carried around. I decided to take a day and “pretend” I did not have fears about anything. Gracious, the revelation of numerous fears revealed that day I walked around in . . . I remember walking down a sidewalk with co-workers almost singing and skipping. Yes, they looked at me askance and did ask “what gave” with me!
I created a list called “The Land of No Fear” –
- I would jump out of bed into any color coming through the window and say I love you God because you will bring me pleasure in all things.
- I would waltz into work with music tapping sounds within me from leftover radio music.
- I would smile and touch everyone who walked across my rainbow shadow.
- I would call people and say “I love you.”
- I would invite strangers into my home.
- I would smile at people in elevators.
- I would not avoid those whom I have not spoken truth.
- I would look people in the eye and through their eyes.
- I would sing in the shower.
- I would be a fool with joy.
On another fast day, I experienced an even more radical encounter with God regarding fear. I journaled the experience - “As I drove away from UW today, knowing I would be ending my fast upon my return to home, I panicked. I realized for possibly the first time in my life, I had lived 3 days without fear. I saw what it was like to not have any fear. I do not think I could really ever describe such an experience. My panic was not wanting to return to fear. The realization I lived with so much fear, yet many would think I had little fear. As I was mumbling these thoughts to God, a Bible verse came to mind – ‘O taste and see that the Lord is good.’” Psalms 34:8a. (NIV)
I seriously have never forgotten almost the giggle in me as I realized the play on words. I had not “tasted” food for 3 days – I now panicked about eating food – and God says, “Taste.” Taste and see that He is good.
I have been facing down too many forms of fear again. I want to believe God is good. That I do not need a “pretend day” of acting wherein I have not a whit of fear. I want to believe in this love note from I John 4:18a (Amplified translation) – “There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror!”
I want to “Drink deeply of the pleasures of this God. Experience for (myself) yourself the joyous mercies he gives to all who turn to hide themselves in him.” Psalm 34:8b (Passion translation)
You place the sunflowers on our heads You place the fragrance of intoxicating drink Into our desert minds You place the weeping God into our clenched fists
I've known about death through the loss of family and friends, but never have I walked with someone through it for 3 months almost daily. To know what to say or pray was beyond challenging. AND my favorite friend, Soo (Sue) Prince had the worst cancer - pancreatic - incredibly painful. Soo has been my playmate in America, as well as across the pond in her country, England. Her wicked humor and love for Jesus was a lovely mix. I'm sad, frustrated, disappointed at her life being cut off before fully lived. I awoke early September 17th and sent her a prayer, "Jesus, absorb Soo's pain for her. She needs your promises to be true." I found out a few hours later Jesus had indeed absorbed her pain and she knows His promises to be true. She is in my cloud of witnesses now.
I have crawled through the shock of a quadruple bypass these past few months. The miracles are plenty. The emotions are frayed. The recovery process is arduous. Only the intimacy I've forged with Jesus sustains sanity. Hearing His voice remains a constant. A necessity. A wondrous love that I crave daily.
I recently discovered this pic with two of my seven brothers. Astonished at the artistic setting, I’m sure the parent who pressed the shutter had no idea of its creative poignant setting.
The babe in front of me no longer lives on earth. He departed tragically. I want to write his story.
Then I discovered I had written these words a time ago.
“My brothers”
The eldest bent down and whispered, “You go girl.”
The next one in line took my hand kissing it with,
“Move ahead of me.”
The sad one hugged me hard wishing he was here for me.
That he is sorry for departing early.
Yet he says I believed in him, so believe now in me.
A few weeks ago a friend asked if I needed encouragement about the ways I love to create. I looked across my living room at a pillow that existed solely with pins. I could not get up the energy to sew this pillow painting I had created surrounded by fabric that I loved from long ago. However, I learned during COVID that hand stitching pillows actually calms me down. I gathered that pillow full of pins into my lap and over 3 days, the pins moved to the pin cushion with tiny stitches taking their place. All the while remembering a bit of profundity with Holy Spirit. Days prior to this, I had been stretching after a bike ride. I found myself thinking about quantitative and qualitative time with Father God. I heard Him rather quickly speak into my thoughts - He said it's neither - it's about stillness .... Whoa - stitching slowly gave way to that stillness.
The photo headlining this blog smacks of nostalgia for me. A happy moment in grad school. With one of my very cool professors. The day we both wore western boots. The season when my weight delighted me. I do not want the good ole days again. However, I do want me being me, liking me, no matter the wrinkles or body shifts. My choice. Yet, I need you BIG, Father God.
I remember vividly my 5-year-old self being excited to play at a friend’s house because she could color better than me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not color inside the lines. The teacher’s voice resounded in me that I was not good enough because my crayons always went outside the lines. Hence, as an adult when I ventured into playing with paint, I found confusion reigning as I still could not color (paint) inside the lines to create realism. Everything looked more or less abstract. I sought out an art teacher to help my wandering hand. I semi-joked with her that I must be an abstract painter. She contradicted me saying that “I just needed practice.” Recently, I shared some of my paintings with a fellow artist who does draw inside the lines quite professionally. Again, I joked about being abstract. Her response jolted me: “You keep saying you are not a painter, but I love your paintings. I think you are very gifted with using color to convey feeling and emotion. Some call that abstract. I would love to be able to paint abstract, and it actually look good. I want to encourage you to not try to make it look like something, because the something you have can’t be replicated! Just go with the color and movement!” She, the expert, shocked me by placing my spinning axle right where God always intended it to be-in my uniqueness. I am meant to color outside the lines. SO ARE YOU!
On a random walk, so random I walked away from home, not towards so caught up in just the wandering and the sight of the beautiful architecture of Capitol Hill. Wait. Stop. Under a tree - just tossed at its base - these beautiful flowers - not dead, but alive. I gathered them up in my gloved hand wondering why their abandonment. I pointed myself toward home and plunged this delightful find into a glass of water. Restored to their former glory. I LOVE flowers and surprises and being unexpectedly loved. Loved by God. Feeling that pinch of restoration of hope in this secluded season.
A Few Bright Spots to COVID I say bright because I discovered some of my crazy habits during this season of social distancing and isolationism that have now been given permission to depart saving me time and tension! For instance: - I’m letting a bit of my eyebrows to grow back in – tired of that endless pluck pluck pluck - AND oh my goodness, I do not need to do crazy awkward things to keep my bangs perfecto every day – they actually look better left on their own – sing hallelujah - Same goes for my entire head of hair – another hallelujah - Rhythm is my new vocabulary word. I did not know I did not live in healthy rhythm – new drum beats - I have learned what the heck Sabbath really is – let’s rest and create and laugh - I discovered how much I like check lists to make me feel successful – ouch. They have been an excuse for not chillin’ – still working on that pressure I place upon my being - Despite Zoom fatigue, I am taking virtual classes. Affordable. International connections. - I’ve learned to shop on-line- who knew that could make life much, much easier - I’ve learned to read e-books but had to order blue tinted glasses – worth it - I can take creative breaks without feeling guilty – yes, sir, yes ma’am - Best of all I’ve learned to make pillows out of my art and hand stitching them calms me down – who would have ever thought……………. - Finders Keepers
Me to God: So what’s up for today? God: “I thought you’d never ask.” Me: Ok, I’m asking! God: Free day. Me: Free day? Yes, this is a for real conversation I had with God that just happened to also be Good Friday. Of course, my human self immediately ventured to “free things coming my way!??” However, as I continued this conversation with God, He seemed to point out to me two things running through me that were distracting me or more truthfully I was obsessing over. It became quite entertaining the entire day to be disciplined in handing back to the Father what I was obsessing about. I love these types of revelations. I enjoy the intrigue when God introduces another way to hand things over to him in a creative vein. Because what ensued that Friday involved a song, “God trying to get your attention,” I had heard on my favorite Hallmark series Signed Sealed Delivered. Keb’ Mo’, who is an award-winning American blues singer and songwriter, had penned these words – Are you an engineer working on a farm? Or a Casanova with a whole lot of charm It might be a mouse living in your kitchen Or it might be God trying to get your attention There are more verses, however, the mouse in the kitchen grabbed me. Once upon a time, I had such a tale. I awoke one morning to find a mouse in my popcorn bowl. He could not make good his escape because of the buttery slippery sides of the bowl. Can I tell you how much I HATE mice? I can handle spiders and snakes and much else, but I loath those other creatures. The night before this auspicious mouse appearance, God had a conversation with me regarding how he watches over me. Hence, after I enlisted the help of a friend to exit the mouse, I had another conversation with God. I swear he said the following to me: "Anya, the evil one knows that mice freak you out more than anything else in life. He sent that mouse. I knew he was going to send it. And I purposely captured that mouse in your popcorn bowl to reveal to you-for you to SEE that I am 'watching over you.' So that you would know what was trying to sneak around your house without your permission or mine and could put an end to it ASAP." Proverbs 1:33 “But the one who always listens to Me will live undisturbed in a heavenly peace. Free from fear; Confident and courageous you’ll rest unafraid and sheltered from the storms of life.” Yep, I had a free day, which as I write this, I became quite aware of what was trying to sneak into “my popcorn bowl” today! I Corinthians 12:5b – “. . . We capture, like prisoners of war, every thought and insist that it bow in obedience to the Anointed One.”